Picture life as a canvas.
The moment you are born, the first stroke on that canvas is made. Everything you do, say, or think is translated into a brush stroke on that canvas. There are an infinite number of strokes and colours. Some of them are a lot more prominent, and some seem to fade into the background. Some of the colours are bold and beautiful hues that scream ‘happiness, love, and joy’. Others are thick lines of black, which mark the times of turmoil and pain. Every line on that canvas- no matter how insignificant- has shaped us into who we are today.
Over the past two weeks, my life has been filled with turmoil. I kept looking at my life’s canvas for answers. I kept wondering “If I take into account every line on this canvas, who am I?” I doubted every word I said and everything I did; I wasn’t sure if I was acting true to myself.
Today was the culmination of all of those doubts and thoughts. I stopped and looked at the canvas that is my life, and could only see the lines that I hate. I could only see the negatives in myself. I could only see the aspects of myself that I want to change.
I felt so overwhelmed.
When you see 189 things that you hate about yourself, how do you know which area to change first? How do you know where to start?
All day I was craving a clean slate. All day I wished that I could throw out my life’s canvas and get a new one. I felt that instead of dealing with all of those negative lines, it would just be easier to throw the whole thing out and start again.
I realize that life doesn’t work that way. Life isn’t an etch-a-sketch, you cannot just shake away the parts you don’t like. You don’t get to trade in your canvas for a new one.
Whether I like it or not, there are lines on my canvas that I am not proud of. There are strokes that I regret. There are colours that make me question who I am. I have to accept that those strokes and colours are permanent. I have to realize that life isn’t about erasing those negative strokes, it is about learning from them. I have to accept that what’s done, is done. The only thing to do is to forgive myself, learn from my mistakes, and move on.
Those negative lines are there and I have to accept that. I may not be able to erase them, but I can paint over them. For the rest of my life, every time I am in a similar situation I can choose to either go down the negative path- making that negative line thicker and darker- or I can choose to go down the positive path- painting over that black line with a bright and warm colours. Eventually when those positive choices outweigh the negatives, those dark lines will fade into the background.
I have a lot of painting to do. I have a lot of things I want to cover up. But that is what life is about. It is all about taking a step back and looking at those negative lines, learning from them, and growing because of them! I have a lot of work to do, and I trust that somewhere within me, there is the strength to make it happen.
Right now, all these lines seem chaotic and confusing, but I have to trust that at the end of my life I will take a step back and see the most beautiful painting and will understand why every little line had to be there.
This week I am dubbing my “Growth Sprint”. I am taking this week to reflect, read, and grow. I will be posting a blog, EVERYDAY (please hold me to it) for the next seven days. Cheers to Growth!
And incase you were curious about how I picture my canvas: I picture synchro as streaks of pink, blue, and yellow. I picture school as different shades of red. I picture my family as yellows. And I picture my regrets as strokes of black. How do you picture your life’s canvas?