Imagine being handed a plate of spaghetti and told to untangle it. That is how I feel. There are so many parts of myself that I want to improve, so where do I start?
I realized yesterday was not a curse, but a blessing. My meltdown- although it felt like hell at the time- was actually heaven finally returning to my life. The overwhelming revelations I had yesterday didn’t come from evil, they came from good; they came from God.
Sometimes you have to be in a low place to finally hear what you need to hear. Even though the plate of spaghetti that I was handed overwhelms me and terrifies me, I know that I will grow immensely as I do my best to unravel it.
I have chosen to start with the problem that is currently the most detrimental to my life- my destructiveness.
I realized that I am a very destructive person. I set unrealistic expectations for myself and for those around me. When I feel that those expectations are not met I become very hurtful and destructive to myself and to those around me.
First of all, I have NO RIGHT to impose my expectations on those around me. I need to stop. Period. Second of all, expecting perfection from myself is unacceptable; I need to learn to love myself for where I am.
I need to learn how to take a step back, look at the bigger picture, and express myself in a constructive way. I need to be able to recognize the second the destructive habit is cued and kicks in, and I need to make a conscious decision to turn my thoughts, words, and actions into constructive ones. I need to be constantly overriding the destructive habits with constructive ones until the new replaces the old.
This is easier to put into words than it is to put into action and I realize that. Those destructive habits will not go away just because I want them to. It is going to take a lot of work and will not come overnight.
There will be times that I don’t catch the cue and my destructive actions will come bursting to the surface. When that happens I want to be able to reflect, learn from it, forgive myself, and ask for forgiveness from that person.
For the past few weeks I felt I was on the verge of something big, something that will challenge me, push me, and take me to places I had never been before. In my head that ‘something big’ was a little more glamorous than a plate of spaghetti, but maybe that ‘something big’ is hiding a few layers down. I guess I better get digging!
Peace and Blessings!