Recovering Perfectionist

“You can apologize for what you have done, but don’t ever apologize for who you are!” – The wisest man I know

~

Growing up, I was always the ‘perfect one’.

I was the youngest and only daughter in my family. I grew up with two older brothers and they didn’t make it difficult for to claim the title.

I always knew I was a perfectionist. I loved being at the top of my class, placing top 10 at synchro competitions, doing everything, and excelling at all of it. Even when I got to University I did everything I could to satisfy my need to be perfect. I worked so hard towards the life that I was ‘supposed to’ be living

Little did I know how much of an impact that was having on my life, my self-esteem, my ability to live in the moment, and my ability to chase my dreams. 

Over the past three weeks I have dived head first into my perfectionism and have tried to unravel it. I have realized that it has taken over my life and it is the root of all my insecurities and anxieties.

I realized that a huge part of my perfectionism is doing exactly what I am “Supposed-to” do. What is troubling is that I have been living the ‘supposed-to’ life for so long that I can no longer sort out what I want to be doing, and what I should be doing.

I realized that I hate making mistakes – even tiny, little, insignificant ones. I realized that I base my entire self-worth on my ability to be perfect. I realized that I would feel on top of the world when I was succeeding and the second I made a tiny slip-up my self-esteem would come crashing down and the self-hate would start flying!

I realized that my perfectionism was causing me immense amounts of anxiety. I realized that I would either feel anxious about mistakes I had made in the past, or worried about mistakes that I would make in the future. I would be constantly second guessing my every step, worrying that it might lead to my next mistake.

Now, I have managed to slightly detach my self-worth from my mistakes. I am able recognize that mistakes are inevitable and they make me who I am.

Three weeks ago, I don’t think I would have said this, but I really do (kinda) love the imperfections of my life. I am holding back tears of pure gratitude. I really do live an amazingly imperfect life. I love the fact that I have days in which I struggle to get out of bed, and times where I make mistakes, and times where I say or do things I know better not to do. All those things makes me human; they make me me. I love that I live the life I love and I love that I have room to grow.

Three weeks ago, if I didn’t accomplish goals I would hammer myself with criticism, I would beat myself up over tiny mistakes, and my self-hate would be over-powering after making big mistakes.

Now, when I feel like I have failed I say to myself: “No matter what you did, or what you didn’t do, YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU ARE WORTHY! Love your mistakes, they make you you! Let go of self-hate! YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU ARE WORTHY!”

If you are reading this, please take the time to repeat that phrase to yourself. Allow your heart and soul to accept and believe those words. They are the truth! Whether you believe it or not, they are the truth for every. Single. Person.

Peace and Blessings. xoxo

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