Forgiveness means moving on and never looking back. Only when you say “I am putting this in the past, I am moving on, and I won’t bring it up again” are you truly forgiving someone.
I have a very hard time saying this to myself. I have a very hard time forgiving myself. I have a very hard time promising myself that I will no longer hold it over my head.
I realized that repeating, “You are enough, you are forgiven, love your mistakes” doesn’t make it true. No matter how many times I say it. Empty words don’t bring truth, only your heart brings the truth. Only when you feel it with your whole soul, does it become true.
Why do I do this? Why do I struggle to forgive myself? Why do I hold small mistakes over my head until they consume me? Why do I do this?
I guess I struggle because a part of me doesn’t want to be forgiven. A part of me feels like I don’t deserve it. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned it. A part of me can’t let go of the mistakes I made. A part of me feels like I need to prove I learned a lesson before I can be forgiven. A part of me feels that I need to show the world that I can do better in order to be worthy of forgiveness.
My mom told me once, that she loves her kids so much that as they make mistakes or say hurtful things, even while it is still happening, she forgives them. She tells me that that is how God feels about us. I want to be able to feel that way about myself.
I want to get to a point where I love myself so much that as soon as the mistake is made I apologize for what I have done and I forgive myself. I want to get to a point where I believe that I am worthy. Regardless of what I did or didn’t do, I want to believe that I am worthy.
I want to be courageous enough to let things go, to speak my mind, to trust in the future, and to allow myself to receive forgiveness.
FORGIVING YOURSELF IS THE ONLY PATH TO TRUE FREEDOM.