Expanding my World

I have tried very, very hard to stay positive about the departure of summer and the arrival of school. I have spent the last month consciously turning negative thoughts into positive ones. With all my might I have avoided expressing my distaste for school and my love for summer.

But like all feelings, the further I push them away, the harder they come back and hit me.

So, I would like to take a moment to accept my anxiety about the start of school and mourn the passing of summer.

I miss summer… A LOT! I miss Jeff and my friends and my family! I miss aimless bike rides; I miss exploring; I miss having free time; I miss having fun; I miss feeling like I can do whatever I want; I miss summer sunsets and the glow of the city in the morning; I miss journaling and reading and crafting and Modern Family filled nights! I miss the hot summer sun and the carefree feeling of summer! I miss all of it!

As much as I have tried not to, I miss summer with my entire heart!

I feel bad because I know that I am blessed to live the life I do. I am blessed to be going back to school and to have amazing jobs and opportunities. I know that I should be so truly grateful for everything in my life!

But I can’t help but dread the semester, and school, and readings, and projects, and exams, and ‘looking good’. And I feel guilty for feeling this way.

There are so many times that I feel overwhelmed by how much I took on this semester. I get upset that I have too many things in my life… but then I feel ridiculous and ungrateful because I realize I am upset that I have too many amazing things in my life.

See, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be amazing; to get good grades; to work hard; to be involved; to have jobs; to do it all and to do it with a smile. But I am sick of working myself to the bone.

I took on a lot of things this year. But what’s hard is that I love everything I took on. I don’t want to give up anything. Because as much as I hate the pressure I put on myself to get good grades and have multiple part time jobs and be involved in school, I love that I get good grades and have multiple amazing jobs and am involved.

I feel so torn between wanting the freedom to chill and relax, and wanting to seize every opportunity I can!

I hate that my days are filled; I hate that I have no time off; I have that I work myself to the bone… But I a struggle because I love everything I am working on. I hate that my days are packed to the brim, yet there isn’t a single thing that I want to give up… I don’t want to eliminate things from my life; I want to add more time to the clock!

I know that doesn’t make sense; I can’t add more time in a day… But maybe I can. I am a believer that my world can and will expand when I want it to. AND I WANT IT TO!

I want to do everything I love; I am going to do everything I love!

I have decided to make a list of everything I want to build into my days.

  • Happiness
  • Me time
  • Friends
  • Family
  • Crafts
  • Reading
  • Journaling
  • Blogging
  • Adventuring
  • Sitting in parks
  • School
  • BUS 100
  • DMZ
  • Synchro
  • Sleep

I don’t know how I am going to fit everything in 24 hours yet, but let’s not worry about the how. When you do what you say you are going to do, anything is possible.

I am creating the possibility of living a life that is full of the things I love! My number one priority is my health, my happiness, and the people I love; everything else will fit in there somewhere!

PS. Next time I am crying because I feel overwhelmed, someone please make me read this! Message to future Christa: You are fine! you have always been fine and will always be fine! You are capable of amazing things!!

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2 thoughts on “Expanding my World

  1. Dear Pumpkin: I am not sure if you know what PMDD is? PreMenstrual Dsymorphic Disorder. I have had it all my adult life, and just figured it out last year. Google it for more info…..it is not PMS – it is in the mood disorder category. One of the symptoms is anxiety. No cause, no reason, no thing to be anxious about, it’s more like dread or foreboding and it actually makes you shake, and makes your mind shake. Two little things have helped me. The first is a little mantra. “This is only a moment in time. This is only a moment in time.” While having anxiety, repeat this phrase over and over. Believe it or not……your self may finally answer, ya ya , I know, or you may even smile a little, you will gain some control over your breathing….because your rational self knows that this IS just a moment in time, and that it will end and you will be your normal wonderful self, and wonder if you even imagined all that anxiety…….The second I discovered while driving in a really bad snow storm……driving along, the snow pelting away, the sky getting darker, the road getter icier, the windshield getting iced in, losing depth and speed perception, getting hypnotized by the oncoming lights and blinding snow, white knuckles, omgosh I think I might die in a car accident or just of this horrible dread and fear…….then I looked out my driver’s side window….and my whole perspective changed….it was just snowing beautifully…the snow flakes were each defined and soft, they were falling slowly and delicately….the sky was dark velvet blue..I was seeing the snow as it was naturally, not as it appeared as I was charging headlong into it………it was so beautiful and peaceful…..so sometimes I visualize that and that just changing my perspective can change how I feel…sounds easy I know…take care, sugar ! We are all in this together.

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