I have tried very, very hard to stay positive about the departure of summer and the arrival of school. I have spent the last month consciously turning negative thoughts into positive ones. With all my might I have avoided expressing my distaste for school and my love for summer.
But like all feelings, the further I push them away, the harder they come back and hit me.
So, I would like to take a moment to accept my anxiety about the start of school and mourn the passing of summer.
I miss summer… A LOT! I miss Jeff and my friends and my family! I miss aimless bike rides; I miss exploring; I miss having free time; I miss having fun; I miss feeling like I can do whatever I want; I miss summer sunsets and the glow of the city in the morning; I miss journaling and reading and crafting and Modern Family filled nights! I miss the hot summer sun and the carefree feeling of summer! I miss all of it!
As much as I have tried not to, I miss summer with my entire heart!
I feel bad because I know that I am blessed to live the life I do. I am blessed to be going back to school and to have amazing jobs and opportunities. I know that I should be so truly grateful for everything in my life!
But I can’t help but dread the semester, and school, and readings, and projects, and exams, and ‘looking good’. And I feel guilty for feeling this way.
There are so many times that I feel overwhelmed by how much I took on this semester. I get upset that I have too many things in my life… but then I feel ridiculous and ungrateful because I realize I am upset that I have too many amazing things in my life.
See, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be amazing; to get good grades; to work hard; to be involved; to have jobs; to do it all and to do it with a smile. But I am sick of working myself to the bone.
I took on a lot of things this year. But what’s hard is that I love everything I took on. I don’t want to give up anything. Because as much as I hate the pressure I put on myself to get good grades and have multiple part time jobs and be involved in school, I love that I get good grades and have multiple amazing jobs and am involved.
I feel so torn between wanting the freedom to chill and relax, and wanting to seize every opportunity I can!
I hate that my days are filled; I hate that I have no time off; I have that I work myself to the bone… But I a struggle because I love everything I am working on. I hate that my days are packed to the brim, yet there isn’t a single thing that I want to give up… I don’t want to eliminate things from my life; I want to add more time to the clock!
I know that doesn’t make sense; I can’t add more time in a day… But maybe I can. I am a believer that my world can and will expand when I want it to. AND I WANT IT TO!
I want to do everything I love; I am going to do everything I love!
I have decided to make a list of everything I want to build into my days.
- Me time
- Sitting in parks
- BUS 100
I don’t know how I am going to fit everything in 24 hours yet, but let’s not worry about the how. When you do what you say you are going to do, anything is possible.
I am creating the possibility of living a life that is full of the things I love! My number one priority is my health, my happiness, and the people I love; everything else will fit in there somewhere!
PS. Next time I am crying because I feel overwhelmed, someone please make me read this! Message to future Christa: You are fine! you have always been fine and will always be fine! You are capable of amazing things!!