Down, But Not Out- REVISED

Last night was the first night in two weeks that I went to bed excited about the following day. As I laid my head on my pillow, I said to myself “Tomorrow is going to be powerful day!” … But it did not start like that.

Everyone has bad days… This is what one of mine looks like.


IPHONE NOTEPAD RANTS- 2:30PM

I hate the days when I have to retreat to a bathroom stall to silently cry.

I am having one of those days.

I am feeling so ashamed of who I am. I feel like a piece of shit, like I’m wasting my life away.

I feel so ashamed of who I am and I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want people to have to deal with who I am. I am literally sitting in a concrete stairwell because I don’t even want to burden strangers with my presence by sitting amongst a crowd.

People say “you look so out of it” and I respond as I choke down tears and say, “yeah, I feel so done. ” But ‘done’ doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel.

I feel like I have been given this amazing gift; a life a privilege. I have been blessed with an amazing family in an amazing country and every opportunity at my fingertips… and I am letting it slip away.

Over the past month I have accomplished nothing. Actually, I feel like in the past couple months, the past year, maybe even my entire life I have accomplished nothing.

I feel like such a hypocrite, I want to make these big, impactful, positive changes in the World, but I am letting my hours, days, and weeks pass by. I feel like I am too lazy to accomplish anything major in my life. I feel like I am not able or worthy to make amazing accomplishments happen. I feel like I want those amazing accomplishments, but I am not committed to making them happen.

I know there are young girls that look up to me, and I feel bad for them. If they really knew me, or what I really go through, they wouldn’t want to look up to me.

My mom was trying to change my mind saying “Christa, you are in school, working at the DMZ, a BUS 100 facilitator, and coaching synchronized swimming. What do you call that? Do you call that nothing?” And I respond with: No, I call that going through the motions. I have not put 100% into any aspect of my life. And I can’t use ‘I am too busy’ as an excuse because I am not. I have the opportunity to work hard and get stuff accomplished, but instead I choose to waste away the hours on YouTube. I have been spending more of my life living through daily vloggers than I have spent living my own life.

And I find it hard because I feel like a piece of shit, but I don’t feel like changing it. By not changing I allow myself to just go through the motions, to just survive, to be a victim to the world around me.

That is a hell of a lot easier than trying, than thriving, than chasing my dreams and working tirelessly to make what I want to happen happen. Changing the way I feel means hard work, work that I am not sure I am capable of.

I am sitting in a concrete stairwell typing on my phone, and I have the biggest temptation to just starfish on the concrete floor and wait for the day to be over.

I have pictured this before. I can see a part of me lying on the ground in complete surrender to the universe. And I watch another part of me- a stronger part of me- walk over, crouch down, and through a teary smile say “We can do this. We can get through it!” I can see my strong self picking my limp body off of the ground, slinging my arm around my shoulder and dragging my body forward.

Off to class. Peace.

11:00PM 

I guess it is good that I can see a stronger version of myself. I guess it is good that there is still a part of me that knows we can get through this.

What I find difficult is that I know that my word creates my world! By saying I am ashamed makes me feel ashamed, by saying that I am powerless makes me powerless. I know that I need to create a more powerful vocabulary if I ever want to regain my power.

Here is where I hit a roadblock. I am scared of the work and the effort that goes into living powerfully.

Tonight I realized that I have been living through the lenses of “I am bad, I am a failure, I am unworthy, and I am not capable.”

These phrases have shaped all of my decisions… (deep breath, Christa. You can say this) … and I am ready to let them go. I am done being done.

I am great, I am amazing, I am a positive force to be reckoned with, I am worthy, I am enough, I am kick-ass, I am unstoppable, I am capable, I am POWERFUL!

The journey and battle is not over, but at least it has started.

Watch out World… I am back!

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